On July 18, 2010, Fellowship Church Chapel, Grapevine, TX, with over 500 in attendance, the Lord gave me a forum to share my hurt, my hope, my love, my memories.  The memorial service, entitled, “Celebrating Carson”, began with testimony from Collin, Channing and Pierce Brooks. The message was given by the director of FC Childrens Minstry, Pastor Mike Johnson. Authors (The Band) blessed us with worship music for the service.

I rested my elbows on the podium that Carson designed and welded with several of his classmates (presented to Fellowship Church as a gift by Carson), and begged the Lord to speak through me that He may be glorified.  The following are my presentation notes:

(The service was video taped <4-parts> and can be replayed in its entirety by clicking the video link on the NotADayPromised.com website home page.)

I KNOW WHERE MY BOY IS

Searching for Answers:

• (Standing in the Shadow by June Cerza Kolf)
• “Why?” – I honestly don’t know.Mat 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
• It was not in my control.
• We are unafraid of our thoughts.
• We will live without regret.

He Was Not a Coward:

• (Standing in the Shadow by June Cerza Kolf)
• He had bipolar.
• Times of irrational state of mind.
• “Anyways, what I’ve told people for a long time is that when you commit suicide you are NOT in your regular frame of mind. Think about it. You ain’t gonna do it if you are in your right frame of mind. Therefore, it is done in a completely boggled state.” Marty Rice, Carson’s welding instructor.
• The “downs” were pure agony for him
• He could no longer bear the burden.
• The load was simply too much.

Went to Sleep Looking Toward Heaven:

• Psa 92:5-6 “O LORD, how great are Your works!”
• (Forever Yours/new song heard last night/FC)
• “Our Hearts Are Pressed. Our Arms Are Stretched. We Want To See The One Who Has Told The Dead To Rise. Our Voices Shout. And Our Hearts Cry Out”
• 1 Thes 4:13-18 ”But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning
  those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope…And
  the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain
  shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the
  air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another
  with these words.”

Move Over Guilt:

• (Standing in the Shadow by June Cerza Kolf)
• For Carson -
• The end of anguish-filled days.
• The end of long, dark hopeless nights.
• The end of fear of facing another day of the same.
• For those left behind -
• No more worry.
• No more lost sleep.
• No waiting for the next crisis.
• No more fear.
• NO REGRETS!
• …But…oh, how guilty this sense of relief feels…

God Remains Victorious:

• Rom 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
• As I imagine Jesus to satan, “Yours was never a war for Carson’s soul. He was already Mine. I just wanted you to see how a real Christian warrior does battle for Me. Your true destiny is the pit…tick…tock.” (satan is such an idiot)

The Suicide of a Born-Again Christian – I Believe The Soul is Safe:

• Carson gave his life to Jesus and was born again at 7-years old.
• John 6:35-40 “And Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. He who comes
  to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst…All that
  the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no
  means cast out…And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees
  the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up
  at the last day.”
• We cannot judge a person’s entire life by one single act.
• It was a brief moment in an entire life.
• Carson gave us way more love and tenderness than not.

The Most Intimate Word - Know:

• Psalm 139 “O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there.  Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my
  substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days
  fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You.”

Outpouring of Love:

• The people - Fellowship Church.
• Authors, The Band.

Closing:

• 2 Cor 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you.”
• His grace is custom-designed for each of us; for each need, for each time, and  especially for when we don’t even think we need it.

I know where my boy is!

As we remember those who fought and fight to give us freedom in the United States of America, I remember that Carson shared with his mother and I that he had spoken to several service recruiters on multiple occasions. He wanted to join. He felt that purpose and was not afraid to respond. It hurt him deeply that his bipolar condition could not be accepted. He understood, but he was deeply hurt, allthemore a sign to him that because of his condition, he was rejected. Judging by all of the comments I see on Carson’s facebook memorial page, I suspect he was a true warrior for the many; many of you, but he just didn’t realize it.

Thank you all for your continued memorial comments to Facebook. Never feel ashamed to offer your hurting heart to others, but please do not be burdened, for Carson is no longer burdened.

Do not take your own life, for your heartbeat is melded into a fabric that covers many, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands. Each person you know, that knows you, knows of you, knows you through a friend, knows a friend through you, has heard of you in a story, has watched you from afar then told someone else; all of these are in the same fabric cover with you, and me. Pull one thread, and the whole garment is touched, thrown inexplicably out of kilter, with utter consequences likely. You matter, even when you don’t believe you do. Tell someone you are hurting. Let them help. They want to help. Don’t give up. We need you with us!

I may sound like a broken record, but please give your heart to Jesus Christ. While we need and must maintain our freedom as American citizens, do not forget that you have a Saviour that has already secured eternal freedom for you; an invitation to everyone, with no strings attached but to trust in Him.

Carson didn’t know he would be bound with the chronic bipolar burden, and while he was still in right mind, at seven years old, he reached out, and Jesus took his hand, so that even now as I continue to mourn his loss, I know where my boy is. Jesus never failed Carson.

Do you know what tomorrow will bring? Are you sure you will be alive, coherent, functioning? Not a day is promised, but if you give your life to Jesus Christ today, right now, an eternity with Him IS promised.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement over this past year. We are blessed that you would make the time to think of Carson.

Todd Brooks (Carson’s Dad)
Jeremiah 33:3

My face is flush; tears are so close but won’t flow. My chest is bound tight, thinking of you over 18 years. The family gathered round this morning, mostly for the kids. I didn’t see you there; we didn’t see you there. Not a word was said, but what could be said? There is a hole in our hearts… there is a hole in my heart. I miss you son. I feel so numb. I knew this day would be hard, but the anguish rushes certain. These moments will pass, thankfully, with each episode the Lord allows, He’ll need to carry me fewer steps each time. Your first birthday since, first Thanksgiving since, and now the first Christmas since – all who know, say the second of each will be easier. What of the instant memories of recall, that seem to drop from the sky, and cause my heart to stop, weigh heavy and take me into deafening silence – time just stops… and later, it starts again. It’s not just one fleeting memory to withstand, but one memory inescapably connecting 18 years in one instant flash, so powerfully overwhelming, so indescribable. But for my Lord carrying me in these instances, I would be undone. My faith in Jesus is not broken. I just hurt sometimes, this Christmas day being one of those times. I will not forsake praising the Lord all of my days. To know that he’s safe – when I finally remember that he’s safe, I can breath again. Thank you, Jesus, for your blessed assurance. Amen.

Dad